Did a load of dishes and another load of laundry while Doug played on his computer. While I put in another load of clothes Doug asked what he could do to help me. I asked him to give the dog her meds (my very old dog has to take hormones or she dribbles). His answer was "O.K. I'll do it in the morning." I'm going to file my nails and go to bed.

Doug has tried very hard today to control his temper and be tolerant of Tommy. It has made this a pleasant day for everyone. This afternoon I stretched out on Tommy's bed for a few minutes and Amy took it as an invitation to play. She stood up on my stomach, jumped in the air and landed on her bottom over and over again. In between jumping she would lean forward to rub noses and occasionally bite my nose and lip. She giggled and laughed that magical laugh that makes all your worries disappear and everything seem right in the world. She is a wonderful child. The washer and dryer are still chugging away in my effort to get a week's worth of laundry (for our army of 6 + dog + 2 cats) finished in one weekend. I have this great system of 3 color coded laundry baskets for the children to sort their dirty clothes into, but apparently they've been suddenly struck color-blind as all the clothes are in a heap on the bathroom floor. Now I'm torn between my desire to go chill in bed with the stack of magazines my mother handed down and the need to go do dishes. Hmmmmm.

Folded almost all the clean laundry. Need to get out of the house and do something fun. Can't do something fun in the house cause "I've served my purpose."

Doug looks so cute today. I still melt whenever he kisses me.

Picked up Noah, bought diapers and played around in the children's section of a bookstore. Tommy still didn't start a single load of laundry. I need to do major cleaning. All I want to do is crawl in bed.

Straightened the living room and sat down to read the newspaper when Tommy started chanting "underwear, underwear." Apparently there are no clean undies in his drawer and it is my job to fix that the instant he demands it. I told him to go do something while I finished the paper. He continued his underwear chant until I threw him out of the room. I've gotten some laundry done but haven't found any of his undies yet. Did realize that all of Noah's pants now fall above his ankles. I guess he grew when we weren't looking. Tommy needs long pants too. It was fine for him to wear shorts when he stayed home all day, but now that he goes out every day he needs more than 2 pairs of long pants. Doug finished his meeting and then went to visit a friend of his. It's almost time to go get Noah. I should eat something before I have to leave but I better start another load of laundry first.

Got Noah dropped off and am now going to do some cleaning. Amy fell asleep on the way home, so I didn't stop and buy diapers like I had intended to do. I should probably get something to eat first. Doug is still at the STAR mtg. Tommy has turned all of us off. He isn't listening or responding to anything but the TV.

No time for a bath this morning. Maybe this evening. Trying to get self, Noah and Amy dressed and a gift wrapped. Doug is attending a meeting about Tommy's riding therapy. Sarah still at my mother's.

Just took Sarah and her friend to my mother's so they could have a sleepover without loud, messy siblings around. The drive over was hellish as Tommy irritated Doug and Doug snapped and cursed. I wish that Doug would do some soul searching about how he really feels about Tommy. Unfortunately, sending Tommy to live with his birth father for a while just isn't an option. Amy didn't want to go to bed without her sister in the room. "Ra-ra ?" We have a baby monitor in the room and it so sweet to listen to the two girls whispering at night. Amy was too tired to keep up the fight. Noah fell asleep 5 minutes into Fantasia. Tommy is stretched out on the couch absorbing the movie. I am going to get a load of laundry started and go craft in bed while drinking an IBC black cherry (yum). I might make some popcorn later. The temperature outside is in the teens but the woodburning stove is blazing and our room feels wonderful. If we had a gate around the stove Amy and I would stay down there and play on cold days.

Sarah found a friend to sleep-over. She is happy now. Cathy

Bought birthday gift for the party tomorrow and some more pin backs for Girl Scouts. Noah managed to get in trouble at school for talking when he shouldn't every day this week. Sarah has a mope on because she can't find someone to sleep over tonight. Amy is jolly.

Doug has gone back to bed. He must be having trouble with his project. The one he's been working on for 3 weeks for $200. I'm off to find a birthday gift for an 8-y-o boy. If it's going to be cold here anyway, why can't we have some of the snow everyone else is getting?

Actually got to take a bath and wash my hair today. There is a definite corrolation between bathing and my moods. I would like to say that the dead skin cells cause me some sort of chemical imbalance that makes me depressed or cranky but the truth is that I just feel better emotionally after bathing. The bath makes me feel relaxed and it is the one thing in my day that is just for me. Granted my baths are usually interrupted, but they are still a treat. Today I started out bathing while the toddler threw toys at me and ended up putting her in the bath with me. She had a blast and is now taking her nap. Baths make her happy and relaxed too! Sarah forgot her safety patrol belt. I am torn between wanting to run it up to her and wanting her to suffer the consequences of not keeping up with her own stuff. Of course, this morning she was extra loaded down with my, I mean her big project display.

Lit my candle last night anyway. The bed was warm and my dreams were vivid, so I didn't want to get up this morning. Really wanted a hot chocolate from the coffee shop this morning (made with real milk, yum) but Doug FORGOT to take his cell phone with him. I haven't had one in over a month. Have to go out and find a brthday gift for the party Noah is going to tomorrow. I should just buy a case of whatever is popular at the beginning of every school year. Last year he could have taken a bionicle to every party. This year is sort of bionicle/yu-gi-oh/I dunno gifts.

My, I mean Sarah's project is done (thanks to Doug coming to my rescue) and I am going to lie in our nice warm room (the wood stove is going) and try to relax.

I hate excel.

Kids' clothes and bags ready for the morning. Dishes aren't done because I need to do this stupid excel sheet and finish gluing Sarah's display first. It would take Doug 15 minutes to do this because he's an expert at excel but I first tried saying out loud all the things I need to do and he ignored me. So then I asked him what his plan is for the evening and he said "huh" and started typing on his computer. I know that he usually answers that question "what do you want my plan to be" and I usually have no plan for him. Usually it is just a question. But tonight I actually did have a request to make and he is pretending he doesn't know that. I'm not lighting my candle tonight.

Home and much happier with some new paper for my planner. I had run out and it was filling with scraps of paper that I scribbled different lists. Sarah's project is nearly done. I told her I'd type her chart but I stink at excel so it should take me forever. Noah got in trouble for talking at school again today. I think we're going to have to go chat with his teacher. Someone needs to design a new toilet. The boys in this house keep missing the bowl.

Had a scout drop by to get her cookie paperwork. All 6 girls should be selling now, but we'll see. I expect 2 of them to decide it's too hard. Doug stopped for groceries on his way home then went to his computer when he walked in the door. When he walked in I was in the middle of gluing on some patches and then I was dealing with the other scout and her mother. After she left I walked in the kitchen and found that they bought ice cream and left it sitting out for 30 minutes. Doug lost his temper because I questioned why it didn't get put away. I'm going to run an errand. I haven't been out of the house for 2 days.

Just Amy and I home today and all is peaceful. A bit too calm though because it's really tempting to just go back to when she goes down for her nap. Couldn't find a snack so I raided the chocolate chips. Sorry, we can't have cookies because mom ate the ingredients. E-mail seems to be working today. Of course, no interesting e-mails for me.

E-mail is still down. Took a bath and washed my hair and I feel much better. If we had some moose tracks ice cream I'd be perfect. Gave up on getting Sarah's project done tonight. Sent her off to bed after tears, pouts and arguments. Doug REALLY needs to move the pile of tools out of the kitchen. They've been sitting there untouched for two weeks.

Feel like my nerves are on top of my skin. Going to take a quick bath while the toddler naps for 30 minutes.

I can cope with the fact that Doug has a hot temper and blows up over stupid things, but I can't tolerate him cursing, especially around the children. So, now I'm angry and tense and snappy. It doesn't help any that our e-mail isn't working and I need to get an e-mail out. Noah came home for the third day in a row with a note that his name was on the board for talking when he wasn't supposed to be talking. Sarah did homework while I worked on HER Culture project. I got annoyed and asked her to work on her own project so now she's sitting glaring at the poster board. Tommy is having a fit because he doesn't have any clean pjs. He probably does have clean pjs, they just aren't in his room because I have a small mountain of clothes that need to be folded and put away. Talked Tommy into taking his bath anyway.

I didn't watch the Golden Globes, but when I can't believe what Sarah Jessica Parker spent on a dress she'll only wear once. For $40, 000. we could have professionals come in and finish our house or we could pay off most of our debts or a thousand other more useful things.

Toddler doesn't want to nap today. I'm going to sit and play with my glue stick. Maybe there's something good on TV. It's just too boring without Tommy here. Is this how normal people live?

It's COLD in this house! The downstairs is frigid! We need a computer upstairs so I can go online while watching Amy play and so that I don't have to freeze my toes off sitting in our office.

Dishwasher unloaded and reloaded. Kids stuff out for morning. Going to lie in bed and a glue pins on bottle caps for Girl Scouts. Doug hates that I won't just lie there and stare at the TV. "Your stuff is all over the bed."

Toddler spilled a coke all over the couch and I took the cushions off to clean up the mess. I found a hair scrunchie, a pen, 2 pokemon cards and an assortment of food crumbs in every color. Why do the people on TV always find money in their couch cushions? Took the family to Sam's and grabbed some groceries in a quick dash through the store. It is really creepy when people look in your basket and comment on your purchases. "That sure is a lot of pop-tarts."

Tommy is at group therapy, Sarah's doing homework, Noah's at his friend's, Amy is playing upstairs and Doug is chopping wood. Now I need to talk everyone into going to buy groceries. Should take 30 minutes just to get them all in the car.

We put a potty chair in the bathroom so the 1-year-old could get used to it. She will only sit on it with clothes on and likes to fill it with toys, but her favorite thing to do is to wear the actual seat part as if it was a ballet tutu. In order to completely visualize this, I need to also explain that she loves wearing her 7-year-old brother's underpants and is usually wearing them on top of her clothes or blanket sleeper. Boys underpants and potty seat. I can't begin to imagine what she'll wear as a teen.

I got tired of searching the local stores for a simple circle die cut so I gave up and ordered it from Sizzix.

Had to leave the house to get some caffeine. We need to make a serious trip to Sam's. The house is much too quiet without Tommy here. It's snowing a little. Maybe we'll have a snow day and the house can be full of children again.

Yet another example of what is wrong with the schools in our area. Blue-Light education anyone? House is too quiet without Tommy here. I hope he's doing ok.

All 4 children in bed. Dishwasher running. Washing machine and dryer running. Kids bags and clothes are set out for the morning. Going to take 2 Tylenol PM and play solitaire till the cards get fuzzy.

mom - "I'm surprised your fish has done so well." daughter - "Me, too." m - "When's the last time you fed it?" d - "Ummm, last week?" m - "Then I'm glad I feed it every day." d - "Me too. Why does Tommy get to have more fish than me?"

Added haloscan to my blog so people can comment whenever they feel like doing so.

No new cookie sales today. My head has a dull ache and now Noah is complaining of a bad headache. He fell asleep long before dinner. I wonder if we have some kind of headache virus? or a carbon monoxide leak?

We went to the sham of an IEP and signed their stupid papers saying we agree to put Tommy back in the classroom. One woman in the mtg was just fulfilling her political role by being there. She smiles and makes nice and knows nothing about anything. The vice-principal who can't even pronounce Aspergers was there. Doug and I tried to talk about Tommy and how he does to closed ears. The classroom teacher smiled and bounced around like a cheerleader. "This will be fun." Then there was the woman who we fought with all last year. She talked through clenched teeth and glared at us. She told last year's teacher not to call us or take calls from us. She wants parents to stay away and let the school system train children to be good little institutionalized zombies. I really hate that woman. I left the mtg angry and upset. They ignored every word we said. I'm not sitting back calmly and playing nice like last year. I am ready to battle these people tooth and nail. They are NOT treating my son like a second class citizen.

Screaming loudly inside my head right now. Sarah and Noah spent Saturday at the grandparents as usual. Sunday morning they went to church and on Sunday evening they take Sarah to choir practice. Doug and I both said we'd pick the children up after church and take Sarah to choir so that Sarah could sell cookies and work on her project that is due Tuesday AND Noah could work on his speech due Monday. But the grandparents insisted they stay and said they handle everything. Sunday night at 8 p.m. the children walked in the front door. Noah hadn't even written, let alone memorized his speech due the next morning. Sarah hadn't worked on her project and hadn't even tried to sell cookies because the grandparents didn't want to take her out selling. The grandparents told her she had sold enough. Argh!!!

Made a little progress on my side of the office and did some laundry. Not a very productive day though. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion today with my migraine sitting in the back of my head taunting me "I'll be back." Doug is tense and unhappy today. Prob all because of money. I know everything will get better soon. Off to watch Arrested Development and maybe do some crafting. I don't like to just watch TV. I like to have a craft to do or laundry to fold or something to make me feel like my time isn't wasted.

Saturday was a blur. Friday night the two boys went to their grandparents. Friday afternoon and evening were spent selling Girl Scout cookies. Saturday morning was a Girl Scout meeting. Straight home to sell cookies again. I could feel a migraine lurking in the background. Light and sound sensitivity were quite high. Then rushed Sarah off to a birthday party while Doug worked on his attempts to create an organized system to control our finances (minuses the money though). Picked up Sarah and took all the children to my parents. Went to a Geocaching mtg and got to put faces to the many names we have seen on the Geocaching boards. Would have been more fun if my migraine hadn't chosen then to make its' full presence felt. Drove home with ears ringing and head throbbing. Doug picked up Tommy and Amy while I writhed in bed. Today I need to continue my quest to catch up on our dirty laundry and clean the downstairs but I don't feel like doing anything.

Put child support in bank then immediately had to pay for car repairs and Doug's overdrawn account. The remaining bit of nothing is what we have to pay bills and eat this month. I am SO depressed.

I am still stewing about the question why I'm not working. I worked all through my last pregnancy while Doug started home improvement projects and tried to decide what he wanted to do with his life. He "needed some time off cause he'd worked ever since he was 16." I worked when I had to throw-up every 20 minutes, when my back felt like someone stuck me with a knife and my feet were so swollen I couldn't fit in any shoes. Nobody on either side of the family ever asked how I was feeling or cared one lick that I was working and Doug wasn't. Yet, I am at fault for not running back to work when Doug got fired.

Upstairs straightened, downstairs a disaster. Our only functioning car is down and will cost several hundred dollars to repair. There is so much work to do around here. Sometimes it seems hopeless. Money problems are getting worse. Mother-in-law asked husband why I'm not doing something to contribute financially. ???

Had a bad migraine Tuesday night that lingered all day Wednesday. Now my "to-do" list is completely un-doable. Visited the middle school to see about getting Tommy back in public school. Picked up badges for the Girl Scout troop. Dropped off some cookie order forms. Sent a dozen e-mails. Tonight I'll do laundry.

Wasted day because of a migraine. Tried hiding in bed, but head still throbbing. Going to be a long night of pain.

The fire in the stove went out last night and it is SOOOOO cold today. I actually got a bath today. Today is Tommy's turn at the therapist. Then home to my Girl Scout mom work and house cleaning. Blech.

Didn't get enough accomplished today. Now tomorrow's list has some of today's stuff on it. :( Amy needs to see the pede but Doug wants to wait until we have the money. I'd rather owe the money and have a healthy baby. Going to watch Family Guy and Futurama.

Got some caffeine in my system and I feel much more human. Scrubbed my face, brushed my teeth and put on warm, clean jeans straight from the dryer (ahhhh). Took Sarah to her appt, scheduled several more and added 20 items to my "to do" list for the week. Came home, washed dishes and sent out some e-mails. Now I will get back to laundry and cleaning.

Doug occasionally walks upstairs and chews the children out for something horrible like eating a snack in their bedrooms. When I ask how he is I always get "fine" even when I know he's not. He asked how I'm doing and I replied that I'm having a bad day. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said no. Now he's angry with me. If I had said yes and discussed it he would have been angry with me for whatever is bothering me. I just have a lot to do, things aren't going well and I am tired of his cranky, cold behavior toward the children and I. Still trying to get the children to sit at the table and do some schoolwork. Can't find some paperwork I need. Too much to do. Must go get dressed.

Trying to get a load of jeans washed and dried so that I can take Sarah to her psychologist appt that I can't afford. Doug is still closed off, but reading his blog I can see that he now blames the kids and I for his work not being done. Noah had a friend sleep over and his room is now trashed. No big deal. I still have to force the kids to sit and work on their projects but I thought I'd blog BEFORE going upstairs to be the taskmaster. Everyone is griping about the cost of Girl Scout cookies so I did some surveying and found that ours are still some of the lowest priced around. This is going to be a really bad week.

Today has been pretty non-productive. Did run to AC Moore and grab posterboard and markers for some of the kids' art projects. Now I just have to pull info off the web for them and then make them sit at the table and work. Doug is cold and distant today. I don't know everything tormenting him, but I know he is angry with me because we disagree about how to treat Tommy. I also know he is beating himself up for turning down a job that would have had him away for most of the next year. He is big on self-doubt and regret. He had a party every year on the anniversary of the day he wrecked his father's favorite sports car until the year before last when I was too pregnant and too tired. Then last year I complained about not wanting a party over here with the baby in the house. All of this is relevant because today would be the day of the annual party, so I suspect that's on his mind too.

I've maintained a blog/diary on my website for over a year and decided a change would be fun. Today I begin my "official" blogger blog. That's a mouthful. Let's try this for a bit and see which method is better.