We went. We saw. It kicked our behinds. My ankles look like Princess Fiona's. I am going to bed for a few days.

Today I scrubbed and readied the crib. Tomorrow I tempt fate by spending the day visiting the attractions in Chattanooga with the Girl Scouts. 

I gave Doug one decision to make on his own about our son's imminent birth. He chose the notably fair and unbiased Internet (can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?) as his only source in making said decision. I think he needs to expand his search for information as I want this decision made and acted or not acted upon before we leave the hospital. Feel free to post your opinions here or on his blog. He doesn't just need male opinions either. There is no reason for hysterics or hurling insults even though this is a very sensitive topic. It took us two months to decide what to do about Amy's frenulum (eventually I decided and acted on my own) and we don't have that kind of time for this decision.

After a week of rain we are thinking about building an ark. If the rain ever stops our yard will look like a rain forest, complete with dinosaur-sized mosquitos.

I am so happy that we bought Sarah a cell phone. She is getting older and spending more time away from her family, so it is important to me that she always be able to get in touch with us in case she has a problem. Yes, as I look at the half a dozen pictures she has sent me of her nostrils this afternoon, I feel that this was a sound financial investment.

I borrowed (ok, stole) this from Ficken Chingers because I was already trying to remember all of the concerts I have attended. Here is how it works. Copy this list. Leave in the bands you've seen perform live. Delete the ones you haven't and add new ones that you have seen until you reach 25. One asterisk means the previous person had it on their list. Two asterisks means the last two people who did this before you had that band on their list. 1. Pink Floyd 2. The Who 3. Three Dog Night 4. Peter Noone (Herman's Hermits) 5. Gary Puckett 6. ZZ Top 7. Hank Williams Jr. 8. Jimmy Buffett 9. Tom Petty 10. Lyle Lovett 11. AC/DC 12. Burt Bacharach 13. KC & the Sunshine Band 14. Joe Walsh 15. The Monkees 16. Beach Boys 17. Adam Ant 18. The Police 19. Yes 20. Billy Joel 21. Paul Simon 22. Creedence Clearwater Revival 23. The Romantics 24. Starship 25. BJ Thomas I know there are more but remembering all the shows I saw at Mud Island is hard(probably because they serve mixed drinks). Ok, your turn!

The midwife said I can go to Chattanooga on Saturday if I want to but I should sit out on some of the walking. Sounds good to me. I think I may skip the narrow and slippery walk down into Ruby Falls. The midwife claims that the baby will be here in one to two weeks but she isn't taking into account his father's tendency toward procrastination. The baby has dropped but I am only 1 centimeter. The number is meaningless anyway, since once this baby decides it is time, the floodgates will open quickly. When told all of this, Doug gasped and muttered a curse word. I bet Doug would turn down sex if I offered it tonight. In fact, he has been eager for me to lie on the couch and do nothing lately. He had a brief moment of excitment when I told him there are medications that can help stop labor. He disguised his disappointment that I can't take the meds and stay pregnant for 40+ weeks so he has more time to prepare. I'm not sure which of us is more unbalanced/hormonal right now.

Dear Inventor of Glitter, I can think of nothing nice to say to you right now. Your product should be illegal to minors. There is no good way to clean your product and it stays around worse than meth residue. In fact, I am considering calling in a toxic waste clean-up specialist to remove the sparkles from everywhere in my house. You should offer financial grants for the victims of your product so that they can hire professional assistance for glitter removal. Until then, may you be visited by an army of pre-teen girls armed with buckets of glitter and no common sense. Thank you, Cathy

Doug has yet another volunteer activity. He is now the neighborhood possum relocater. You can't tell from the picture but this little guy is about the size of a baby guinea pig. I wanted to pet him but I actually learned from my chipmunk experience. 

That looks pretty relaxing to me. 

You know it's going to be one of those days when it begins with a "your child has pink eye" phone call from the school. Add in a several hour IEP, group therapy and horse therapy and it just becomes one long medical appointment. Update - Can't get past the pediatrician's nurse who refuses to call anything in or make an appointment for him. "Just wait 10 days and it'll clear up on his own." My choice now is to keep him home for a week and get a call from the truant officer or send him to school every day and have them send him back home.

Should I spend this Saturday visiting the attractions in Chattanooga with an army of Girl Scouts? It is less than a two-hour drive from Knoxville to Chattanooga. Staying busy is better than sitting around worrying and waiting. Doug is getting nervous and I have agreed to confess to the midwife about the planned outing. My braxton-hicks are feeling more real and coming much more frequently. What makes us both nervous is the very short labor I had with Amy. Nurse A checked and said "You are only 3, so you'll get some vitamin P when your midwife arrives." Just 5 minutes later there was a shift change and Nurse B had to check for herself. Her words were something along the line of "She's full and ready. Don't push yet! Get the midwife on the phone now!" Doug might remember details better as I was busy ignoring the nurses (pushing). To go or not to go, that is the question. Doug's plans for next weekend are even worse. He is going camping in a cave with the Boy Scouts. cave = no cell phone reception

Good news - Doug did some work on the house today. Bad news - He took out the wall between the garage and the downstairs hallway. Good news - He claims it is the precursor to a new bedroom wall. Bad news - Our bedroom (aka the nursery area) is now worse than ever. Good news - Ummmm, let me think for a minute. Bad news - I am afraid, very afraid. Alice points out that Doug was much more productive AND very destructive with our last pregnancy.

Missing: One small pink keds sneaker. It is no longer or wider than an index card but since it is 3 dimensional you would think it would be easy to find. You would be wrong. If you see us around town I'll be the mother whose toddler is wearing rain boots (unless she loses one of those too).

Yesterday my Mother took Sarah, my sister-in-law and I for pedicures. My puffy feet said "ahhh".

In the tiny little yellow packets, Splenda looks and tastes so innocent. When you buy the large bag of it, it looks sounds and feels like bits of styrofoam. I eat it anyway.

THIS is really funny BUT if I don't deliver before then I'll be induced on May 20th so, I'll officially be the very last person in America to see it! Everyone will have posted complaints and spoilers so much by the end of the weekend that I may as well wait for the DVD. At least I worked in a theater when episodes 5 & 6 were released. We watched them the night before they were released and a thousand times after that.

Hello isn't working for me right now. Bummer.

"Raindrops keep falling on my head But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red, Crying's not for me Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining." There's a big storm heading toward us and I'm going to take a nice, dream-filled nap to the sounds of Mother Nature's orchestra. Besides, the shrub is in town for a carefully-controlled, media-manipulating Earth Day photo op and he needs the shower. Update: I awoke from a pleasant nap to learn that Mother Nature had scared him away. Maybe she is angry about what he's doing in Alaska.

In the sidebar of my blog is a nifty little box that says "e-mail me". Doug made it for me and I really like it BUT if you don't include your e-mail address, I can't answer your e-mail and then I feel rude. Please make sure you include your e-mail address unless you don't want a response. Thanks!

The "Brainless Knoxville Waitress of the Month Award" goes to the woman who waited on our family yesterday after Dora Live. I'm sure she was trying to be nice (but failing at it) when she said: "Your kids are really well-behaved and I should know. At the last place I worked there were some kids who were so awful that I had to tell them how to behave. Their parents' got all upset when I did it so I gave them a good lecture on parenting. I got fired but I was totally in the right." Umm, thanks for the compliment?

Doug wouldn't let me have a piece of cherry strudel from Fresh Market. I am so sick of not eating fun foods. I have heard that Magpie's in the Old City has the best desserts in Knoxville. Trying their food is at the top of my to-do list after I deliver. Last week Doug talked about building a wall and door in the dungeon so we would have a real bedroom before the baby comes but I know he's too busy. I want Doug to have more time to get things done but I am hungry and cranky. These last few weeks are really hard. Hurry up but slow down.

Amy has had two days of fun and happy but no naps (grumpy evenings). Tomorrow we will stay home and take naps. That commercial in the background is really clear!

It's good to be two on a spring day in Knoxville.

Today we sang and danced with Dora the Explorer. 

Amy liked the new Kids Cove area. 

Yesterday Amy and I went to the zoo. 

Today's forecast claims it will be in the high 70s and sunny all day. Staying inside on such a day would be wasteful so I think we will visit the Knoxville Zoo. After the zoo maybe we'll visit Ben & Jerry's. How will YOU celebrate this beautiful day?

While watching tv in bed instead of cleaning (what I SHOULD have been doing) I found old Partridge Family episodes on the "on-demand" channel. Instead of tickling the memory area of my brain and getting a warm fuzzy I felt like someone was poking my memory area with a stick. "Ouch, stop it. Ouch, stop it." The opening song lyrics have been changed and the voices are not even right. In our copyright happiness we are ruining our own memories. Don't even get me started on the "Happy Birthday" song.

	Julie is soooo clever (plus we think alike)! Luckily I already had my mind made up on the name when I googled the baby's name (isn't that what all geek parents-to-be do?). The best part is that Doug's friends and fans know what to send him instead of the usual type of baby gift.

Noah - "How do people get babies?" Dad - "Well, when people love each other they sometimes decide to make a new life together." Noah - "No, I mean HOW do they get the baby?" Mom - sensing that Dad is about to answer more than Noah is asking, "When people have sex together it sometimes makes a baby." Noah - "Well, then you must have a LOT of sex." Mom - "I guess so." Noah - "Ok." Dad - Laughing so hard he has tears coming out of his eyes, "Isn't he great?"

I was in such a good mood yesterday that I stopped tormenting my family started telling the baby's name. Soooo, in the interest of fairness, I will answer yes or no questions and see if you can guess the name that way. If that doesn't work I'll just blurt it out.

Gabriel - "I need another cookie." Amy - "I'm sitting on my brother." Abby - "Let me down Granny."

Today the Girl Scout parents had a surprise baby shower for me. This is my fifth and last baby but this was my very first baby shower ever. It was flattering and embarrassing and exciting all at the same time. Now I have things to wash and fold and organize. I can honestly say that at this moment in time I feel completely stress-free. I don't really have the words to describe how I feel right now. I think I feel nice, like sugar and spice.

Tomorrow is National Stress Awareness Day. I think most of us are aware we are under stress already so we should spend tomorrow doing things to reduce our stress levels. What are you going to do to reduce YOUR stress tomorrow?

Signs of spring: 1. The ants have come inside the house. 2. I have a mosquito bite on my elbow. 3. Tommy wants to sleep in his tent. 4. The children all want to wear shorts. 5.

Amy and her cousin are going to see the big entertainment in Knoxville next week. I've never been to a children's performance before but I've been to Chuck E. Cheese and the Circus enough to have a good idea what to expect. I'll be the Mom sneaking snacks in her purse and avoiding the souvenir stands but allowing her child to dance in the aisle.

I need a new wheel for the bottom rack of the dishwasher. While I was loading the dishwasher, Molly the genius licked the dirty dishes until her tags got stuck on the tray. She freaked, tried to get away and ran into the living room, dragging the entire tray of dirty dishes with her. I screamed and tried to get her to stop running which made her more afraid. Finally her tags came off and she went to hide under the Little Tikes climber that should be outside and not in our living room. I gathered the dishes that were strewn everywhere and ran the dishwasher but the tray is now missing a wheel. Molly stuck her head right back inside when I opened the dishwasher to empty it.

:) 

In two weeks we are taking the Girl Scouts to Chattanooga. I already told the baby he can't come out until after the trip is over. I'm not telling my midwife anything. Some of the girls have never been to Chattanooga. I can't imagine never having been someplace so very close and full of things to see and do. I grew up in Memphis and we visited Chattanooga many times as a family but then my parents were big on sneaking education into everything and I can't even count how many times we visited Civil War sites ("this pond was red with blood"). For the Girl Scout trip we are using a travel agency. They worked out an itinerary, gave us group discounts and we are even getting a t-shirt for everyone in the group. The agency does packages all over Tennessee so we will probably possibly use them again. . . . someday.

Mom - "Good night little man." Noah - "Good night great big lady."

I am fine with Doug telling me that I "look really tired". I prefer his honesty to any Twix commercial type behaviors. What bothers me is that I have now had several strangers comment on how "tired I look". Does it make them feel better about themselves to point this out? I can't see how it could. Do they think they are enlightening me with information that will help me in some way? Surely not. Is this their version of small talk? Maybe. I know that people like to say whatever crosses their mind to pregnant women ("you are HUGE") so I am not annoyed, just perplexed. Would you comment to a stranger about how tired they look? Here's a little inside scoop just from me to you, that's not tired you see. That's panic about having a baby in 3 to 5 weeks and feeling unprepared. When you see me AFTER this baby is born you will be seeing what "really tired" looks like.

Today is National "Blame Someone Else Day" so Amy unrolled an entire roll of toilet tissue and blamed the dog. How are you celebrating?

April showers bring __________.

I know that Colorado is snowed under BUT the dog is napping in the bathtub and I am carrying a box fan from room to room. We need a cool breeze over here!

Works better than an alarm clock for me. 

I felt great after the hiking. That night I took advantage of a rare moment when Molly wasn't sprawled the entire width of the bed to stretch my legs and one calf wrenched itself up in one of those infamous pregnancy leg cramps. I writhed in pain for several minutes and accidently woke Doug. He sat silently until I was finished, asked if I was having contractions and when I hissed that it was a leg cramp he rolled over and commenced snoring instantly. Yesterday the leg was still tight and today it hurts so much I have a noticeable limp. A waddling limp is not very attractive. I think I'm channeling Igor.

Sarah must be spending too much time with boys. How else could she have learned the "do it wrong on purpose so they never ask you to do it again" trick?

Uh-oh. Tommy is NOT going to be happy.

Breaking news - Doug claims he'll get started on the nursery area when he returns from horseback riding this afternoon. Further updates later.

The Girl Scouts posed and scared away the wildlife with their giggles. 

The Girl Scout leaders took pictures. 

I'm trying to get everything in order so that someone else can get the Girl Scouts to all their activities and award them their end-of-the-year badges if I suddenly become unavailable but I've run out of printer ink. One brief errand and then I will get back to the grind. Tomorrow will be spent in the beautiful (albeit muddy) Smoky Mountains and hopefully I'll be able to work on laundry and our bedroom all day Sunday. Doug will spend Sunday at the computer since he considers weekends to be time bandits. I will NOT be delivering in the mountains. I have far too much still needing to get done before this baby can arrive and I don't have permission slips allowing the scouts to witness, ummm, "Acts of Nature". Can you imagine the public uproar if someone's preteen witnessed childbirth?

Someone has stolen my neck and replaced it with my Mother's neck. I am not amused. Please return my neck to it's original state asap.

Noah's nosebleed number three was at 2 a.m. this morning. I feel like I should call the CSI team for advice on getting all the sheets and towels clean.

Noah woke up with a major gusher and kept it going for so long that he actually got loopy-headed. I predict a visit to Children's Hospital before the day is done. First I have to clean up the bio-hazardous mess he made in his room (apparently last night was a good night to wet the bed, too) and the bathroom and fix brownies for a bake sale at Sarah's school. Did I mention that Saturday I'm taking the Girl Scouts hiking in the Smoky Mountains? I only have a dozen or so things to do to get ready for that little outing. I guess Mother Nature's plan is to have me stay busy enough with other stuff that I forget how cruddy I feel.

I wonder if this would work on Doug? I could use it to get him to dig the crib, carseat and bassinet out of the storage pile. 

Noah didn't have a nosebleed during LOST so I had one for him.

Boring post about my day - Since we have a small trailer, all strange errands of family and friends fall upon us. We started the day going to pick up my parents' riding mower and take it in to Mayo for repairs (my Mother accidently ran over a shovel). Along the way we had to make a u-turn and pick up a sick Noah at school. He had a fever of 102 and the clinic nurse whispered "looks like strep." I'm sure that was what I said back on Monday. Picked up the mower, dropped off the mower and stopped for a quick lunch while Amy painted with her macaroni and cheese (no change of clothes in the car of course). Rushed to the pede to get scripts for Amy and Noah who BOTH tested positive for strep. Grrrr. Dropped off scripts, bought a few groceries (forgot to buy yogurt to go with Amy's antibiotics) and picked up scripts. Noah decided to have one of his 4-star nosebleeds in the pharmacy parking lot. When his nose stopped pouring like a faucet we hurried home so that Tommy could have a meltdown because his afternoon routine had been disturbed by our errands. We now have one hour to get everyone fed and settled so we can watch LOST but, I expect round two of Noah's nosebleed will come during the program. This was actually a pretty typical day for our family.

Place your bets, who will die on LOST tomorrow night? Boone is too obvious unless Locke finishes him off to keep him from telling secrets. Claire and Jin are good choices but I think Michael gets the black stone.

Michael asks some very good questions about allowing homeschooled students to participate in public school sports. After you read his post and tell him your thoughts, think about it from a different angle. Should homeschooled students who have special needs be able to get speech therapy, occupational therapy and physical therapy through the schools? Should children who are homeschooled be allowed to pick and choose which classes they attend? For example, should a homeschooling parent be allowed to take her child to the school an hour and a half a day for an advanced language class? It is no secret that Doug and I facilitate a support group for parents of children and teens with Asperger's Syndrome. There are a HUGE number of parents who pull their children from public schools because they disagree with the way the school wants to educate their child. Those same parents then get angry and fight the school system because they think the school should still provide extra services like speech therapy. They want to observe classes and pick which ones they want their child to attend. Many expect to sit in the back of the classroom and monitor during the class. What are your thoughts? Afterthought - I don't want to come across as anti-homeschooling. I understand the benefits of homeschooling and kept Tommy home for one year. We had a great time focusing on his strengths while using topics that actually interested him. We may pull him out again at some point. I offered my other children the option of homeschooling and although they said no, they know the offer is always valid. I did not ask the school to provide any therapy for Tommy during his year at home because I felt like I wasn't entitled to it. The paying of taxes should not even be a part of this discussion. Senior citizens and adults who don't have children pay taxes just like everyone else but they can't enroll in the same classes as full-time traditional students. Non-traditional students like senior citizens take Saturday or night classes or use the services of schools set-up for non-traditional students. I think that this is an interesting bill which is worth discussing but I don't want anyone to get upset about it.

Q - When is a visit from Mobile Crisis not a bad sign? A - When it's Alice and she has baby gifts! Thank you Alice!

Noah is home sick. I think he has strep and my Mother thinks he has a sinus infection but it doesn't matter either way because the pede refuses to see him. "Wait 48 hours and see if it goes away."

Life is complicated with its ifs and ands and buts It's alright to be crazy, just don't let it drive you nuts.

I can't lift the storage stuff that lives in our bedroom instead of the garage. I can't eat anything I want to eat. I can't afford to shop for the new baby. Can't mow, can't make a flower bed, can't paint and can't fix any of the broken stuff over here. Can't stand being completely unprepared for this baby. I'm tired of being stuck in the house doing laundry and cleaning up the same toys over and over. Tommy is obviously planning to sleep all day and the other children are at my parents' house playing with their cousins. Maybe I'll go wander Babies 'R Us while Doug makes loves to his computer. I'd rather be with Doug but every moment he is not at his computer he is unhappy so I hate asking him to do anything.

When asked last week what she wants for her pending graduation, a teenaged relative replied, "A new laptop, an ipod, a digital camera, a cell phone or you can just give me cash and I'll pick out what I want." That made me think about my own high school graduation gifts a zillion years ago. My big gift was luggage (that I still have) and most of the other gifts were clothing. I was thrilled with every gift except one. One gift was very embarrassing and I couldn't understand it until my Mother explained the gift. One beautifully wrapped box contained seven pairs of very nice underpants. When she saw my blank face, my mother explained that as a child, every piece of clothing she wore had been made by her mother. The first time she ever owned store bought clothing was when an Aunt gave her underwear as her high school graduation gift. She said that gift meant more to her than any other gift she received. Someday I will have to explain to my children why they are getting a box of underwear for their graduation.

Bad parenting tip for the day - When the two year old is pretending she's a dog and you want her to eat a meal, sneak her bites of food under the table. "Good doggie." Be prepared for strange looks when you do this is in a restaurant.

I chickened out and cancelled the hiking until next weekend. Maybe spring weather will be back by then. Instead I'll spend today doing the same thing I've done every day this week, laundry and moping around the house. Doug will spend his day at the computer and his evening playing D&D. I may have to dream up an excuse just to get out of the house.

Should I take the Girl Scouts hiking in the Smokies tomorrow or wait two weeks and hope for better weather?